The World’s Funniest Real Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

New Digs

Weekend at Harrison

Some pics of our weekend away with BB. We stayed at the Resort and had a fabulous time as always. Weather was great and we laughed a lot and came home and said, "I can't wait to do that again next year!"

Funny story. Years ago I attended a large Pentecostal church pastored by 2 lady Pastors. One of them was always trying to play match maker. She loved nothing more than to see young people she had nurtured in the faith get together, marry and produce children for the Sunday School.

One girl, Kathy comes to mind. Kathy walked with a limp and was a little self-conscious about her disability but Pastor V kept on telling her she was praying that God would send just the right man into her life. Kathy had a bit of an attitude and said, "well, just so you know if God wants me to get married He knows my address and He better just send someone to me because I'm not going out there looking."

Sometime later Kathy was living in a basement suite in a house owned by a lady who attended the church and liked to have girls she knew from church rent the suite. Before Kathy came Virginia. Before Virginia there was me.

Anyways.......Virginia had moved out but not all of her friends knew that. One Saturday night when Kathy was home, there was a knock at the door and a young guy was standing there who knew Virginia and was hoping to visit with her. He had caught a ride into town and gotten dropped off so he was there for the evening. Not knowing what else to do Kathy invited him in.

Yup, God knew her address and knew who to send her way. It wasn't long before Kathy and the guy who dropped in to see an old friend got married.

Saturday I was in Harrison Hot Springs and I saw them together. They've been married 20 years.

Poops and Poodles

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Pastor's wife has surgery to ensure permanent smile

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. — Debbie Randolph, wife of Don Randolph, pastor of Eagle Creek Presbyterian Church, says she used to spend all week exercising her cheek muscles to prepare for Sunday's smiling marathon.
That changed Monday when Debbie became the first woman in the country to undergo surgery that puts a fixed smile on her face. The novel procedure means she will never have to worry about "whether or not I'm smiling for the duration of Sunday morning."
"It's my duty to smile," she says. "When I'm not projecting that joy of the Lord, I'm letting people down, no matter how crappy I feel."
Before, when sheer willpower kept the smile on her face, her cheeks would be too tender to touch by Monday.
At other times, people have come to the door during the week and caught her not smiling, to her horror.
Now, with a smile firmly in place, Debbie can think about other things. Asked how she conveys other emotions, she said she signals to her husband with hand movements if she's sad or angry.
"But that isn't often," she says, smiling. •